Holding the baby is not necessarily helpful -A note to postpartum visitors, with love.

By: Kara Danielle Richards, M.A., LPCC, PMH-C

After welcoming a new baby into the home, many people get excited to see and visit with a new little life. These squishy, fragile beings are new and precious; and for many, the sight, smell, and feel of a small infant can elicit a biological response that is flush with one of our happy hormones, oxytocin. It’s no surprise that there is an urge to hold the baby and relieve the new parent of this task so they can do other things as we revel in these sometimes euphoric sensations; however, this well meaning favor might not be doing the good that we think it is. In fact, it may actually be causing some harm to the new parent. 

New parents, however they got there, are going through a massive adjustment with a rapid change to their daily life to focus on their baby’s (or babies’) survival. But who is there to nurture these new parents? With old adages like “it takes a village,” one would think that there would be a better understanding of how to attend to the parents; but where is this village? For some, there is established support with nearby family members who are willing to be involved, religious and/or community groups, and appropriate access to postpartum support. For many, these potential resources are sparse due to moving away from– or having a strained relationship with– family, decreased involvement in religious communities, and/or lack of specialized support in the area (some of which having to close during the heights of the COVID pandemic and not resurfacing). And then there’s pride and shame. 

For many new parents, there is immense societal pressure to “have it all” by wanting to have children and becoming well established in a career all while there is still a notable pay gap between genders and races and lacking universal and sufficient benefits for paid leave for bonding, adjustment, and possibly healing for those who birthed their child. Simultaneously, there is a balancing act of weighing income and the cost (financial, emotional, and immunological) of childcare. 

Something that is frequently brought up in the “New Mommy” and pregnancy Facebook groups is this awkward dance between self-advocacy and rigid boundary formation riddled with anticipatory anxiety. It certainly is not wrong to self-advocate and to be aware of our needs and boundaries; what this more so speaks to is the perceived or actual lack of awareness that the friends and family members of the new parents have about how to actually be helpful in these trying first few weeks. 

The level of support received and perceived by the new parents has been widely cited as having a negative correlation with instances of postpartum mental health disorders (meaning, the more support reported, the less depressive symptoms reported and vice versa).  While there are many other predictors, offering appropriate support can make a huge difference even in small acts as to how the family adjusts to the new dynamic. 

So, what can you do as a visitor to actually be supportive?

Firstly, know that you are not a guest in this context, you are there to help and be a support. So, this may mean:

• You are pouring your own water while also refilling the parents’ waters. 

• You are switching over the laundry or unloading the dishwasher before sitting down and spending time with the family. 

• You might take their dogs out for a nice long walk or even to the park to tire them out. (In fact, that may be very helpful to do with any older children there might be.) 

• Maybe you’re leaving an easily portioned and freezable meal or bringing along a gift card to their favorite to-go spot or food delivery service. 

And, yes, this may absolutely look like keeping an eye on and/or holding the baby while the parents get a chance to shower and nap. The key there, though, is that this is requested. That’s not to say that you can’t make that offer, but wait for a sincere “okay” before scooping the baby out of the new parent’s arms.

In these earliest moments, it’s important to keep focus on nurturing and supporting the new parents to alleviate their to-do lists, not add to it.

If this sounds relatable to you and you would like more support, please contact our office at healingsolutionsftc.org or 661-903-8822.