Support Languages: What the Duolingo Owl Can’t Teach You

By Ashley Miller, M.S., AMFT 147555

Have you ever felt like no matter how many times you ask your partner for support, you don’t feel supported? While there may be a number of culprits at play here, the one we are going to focus on is the idea of Support Languages.

What is a support language?

We’ve all heard of the 5 love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service. A quick Buzzfeed quiz will tell you your #1 love language and what that means about you. Like love languages, we all have support languages. These are how we prefer to be supported in our times of need. While these have been conceptualized differently across books and articles, I argue the support languages are as follows:

1. Listening

   1. Providing a space to verbally process the issue and giving validation without offering feedback

2. Passive Problem Solving

   1. Brainstorming potential solutions to the problem without implementing the solutions

3. Active Problem Solving

   1. Aiding the person in actively applying a solution to a problem 

4. Distraction 

   1. Spending time with the person without discussing the issue, thus allowing the person a break from thinking about it 

Now, what happens when you and a loved one don’t speak the same support language?

Regardless of the amount of effort we put towards supporting someone, it may not land if we aren’t providing that support in the language they prefer. Think about it like this: If you are trying to remove a screw that requires a flat head screwdriver with a philips screw driver, the screw is going to stay right where it is. You could try to remove that screw for hours. The effort is there, but the lack of the appropriate tool leads to little to no impact. Support languages work the same way! If all you wanted was listening but your partner is offering active problem solving, you may walk away feeling more irritable than the conversation started. If your partner wanted passive problem solving but you provided distraction, your partner may feel unheard. 

Learning to Speak the Same Language

Despite our best intentions, our misstep is trying to apply OUR preferred support language to another human rather than asking them what language they speak. The best approach is to directly communicate. Want to feel supported? Let the other person know what you would like that support to look like. For example: “This situation is really bothering me, I would love to just vent about it without problem solving”. Want to give support? Ask the other person how they want to be supported. For example: “What kind of support would feel most helpful in this moment?”. This clear communication can bridge the gap and ensure impactful support is being provided in both directions.

Interested in gaining support tailored to your support language? Visit healingsolutionsftc.org or call 661-903-8822 to start your therapeutic journey.