My Loved One Told Me They Were Sexually Assaulted: Now What?

By Ashley Miller, AMFT 147555

Your heart drops as they share with you that they have been assaulted. You feel honored and totally unprepared all at the same time. This moment can be critically important in the journey of a survivor, and we want to make sure you feel prepared. 

Here are a few Dos of supporting a survivor of sexual violence:

DO: Let them know that you believe them. While it is not your job to define anyone else’s experience, the high rate of invalidation survivors face makes it crucial that they know they are being heard and seen.

DO: Ask them if they are open to receiving resources. And before you even do that, make sure you are knowledgeable about the resources in your area. These may include hospitals, therapy centers, advocacy centers, and hotlines. 

DO: Use the language they choose to use when discussing their assault. Some people may prefer the term “survivor,” while others may prefer the term “victim.” Some people may want to define their experience as “assault” or “rape”, while others may want to refer to it more vaguely. 

DO: Seek your own support! Learning about harm to others can cause vicarious trauma (distress from learning about the trauma others have experienced). You deserve support as the person providing support. 

And here are a few Don’ts of supporting a survivor of sexual violence:

DON’T: Ask why they didn’t tell you sooner. It doesn’t matter if the assault occurred a day ago or 20 years ago. What matters is they have decided they are ready to share and that you are a safe-enough person to share with.

DON’T: Ask a million questions about the details of the assault. In fact, you really shouldn’t ask any. Just sharing that the assault happened can be overwhelming enough; it is up to the survivor if and when they want to share further details.

DON’T: Push them to access any resources. We want to educate on resources, not force them to be utilized. It is incredibly common for survivors to be pushed into reporting to the police or receiving a forensic exam. While this process may fit the definition of justice for some, it may not for others, and can be traumatic in itself. 

The most important thing to do in these moments is to ground in your own energy in order to create a space to receive the survivor and whatever information they choose to share. A moment of disclosure can be the difference between seeking help and burying an experience under shame.